I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
