I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
