Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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