My nipple is on Facebook.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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