She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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