You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Dear god my vagina.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
