Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
