Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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