You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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