you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
