I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
