Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
