My balls are so social today.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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