She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
