well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
