You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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