When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
