Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
