Need sex. Gaining weight.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Randomize
