I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
