we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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