When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
