marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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