The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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