Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
