Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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