you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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