i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
