Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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