I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
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