I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
