he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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