I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
