Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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