Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
