I have demons in me.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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