I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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