I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
