She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
