I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
