you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
