Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
