sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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