Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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