you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
