I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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