If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
