She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
