I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Randomize
