i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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