the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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