I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
