If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
