You don't have asthma, your pregnant
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
