Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Randomize
