dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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