Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
