you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Randomize
