my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
