Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
